"Getting Treatment" what a horrible
I even hate the very word.
the idea so difficult
fear, pain, shame, pain, anxiety, pain
You will have to tell someone
you are depressed ? - "ask for help?"
You would rather die than die
of the shame they will make you feel.
No one will understand why you
don't - make the effort...
And it is effort -- painful, upsetting,
shameful, excruciating, dying,
humiliating, struggling effort.
for what - treatment ?
what does that mean ?
living on drugs, feeling drugged, not in control,
not understanding why you need treatment,
why it doesn't work that well,
why it stops working
subjective, someone else knows
more than you,
fearful, loss of power, helpless
to help yourself
But you just don't see anything
helping so why bother ?
why can't this pain just go away
why can't you just die, cease,
just disappear - into your sorrow,
your tears... ?
but there is no end to the pain,
no matter which way you think,
think of living, think of dying,
pain each side, pain each way
I understand now that the pain
was preventing my life
yet stopping my death.
Suicide is not "painless" as
the words to the "M*A*S*H" theme
seem to suggest.
Thoughts of suicide can be excruciating
It was only at my worst that the pain stopped
and made me choose for that moment
Do something to live - or do something to die.
Finding no escape
I was forced to find a treatment
both equally difficult tasks
I realized it takes just as much or
more energy and pain
to do what it really takes to
as it does to start on a treatment.
Each one of us will have to find some kind of
speck of will,
to make some kind of movement toward a cure.
Yes, let's call it that, a cure.
Treatment doesn't sound very
I feel cured. Every day. All
Yet I continue my treatment,
my cure, every day.
Hope can come from taking an active part
in your treatment.
Feeling hopeless makes
languishing, crying, dying
for someone else to save
us can be devastatingly stressful,
disappointing, frustrating and suicidally
Yes, it would be wonderful
if there were some ONE person,
ONE book, ONE doctor,
to go to - who would -
take us from crisis to cured.
Yes - I have known a couple of
people who just started taking Paxil
and poof, that was it. Yes -
some people are lucky -
that's it for them, long term
relatively easy fix.
But for many, like me, it's a
combination of many things -
and in my experience, there was
just no ONE doctor
with the time or attention span
or one book with all the answers.
I had to piece things together
In the long run, it has given me knowledge and
for the long term continuous treatment I need.
I continue to learn as new information comes
so that I will be able to adjust my treatment
for hormonal changes as I get older :)
You are not helpless. You are
You have the intelligence.
You can begin to gradually learn
and take the lead in your own
The more you know, the better
and faster you can find
treatment combinations that will
work for you.
Yes, there are so many choices
that you may be overwhelmed.
Yes, do seek help from people and medical professionals.
Maybe they can help get you started,
but put your faith in yourself,
in the knowledge and in the results.
Try to get as many insured blood
tests as you can
from your medical doctor or psychotherapist
to show the overall health
your liver, kidneys, heart - your cholesterol levels, iron, hormones,
and any other blood test or screening
your doctor feels
is appropriate to your age and gender.
You may not have much time to
But you have to try what appeals
to you -
what sounds do-able to you.
Many could increase the effectiveness of their
by carefully adding vitamins and minerals -
and possibly, with extra, extra caution - certain
No one wants to take a
lot of pills,
but neither does the diabetic
want to prick themselves with
Like Mary Tyler Moore says about
"You have to become sort
of a chemist"...
For some of us, it is that kind
I just want everyone to learn all the ways
can be deficient of
crucial nutrients and brain chemicals.
I really believe there is a biochemical
answer for everyone,
whether drugs, nutrients,
hormones, or a combination -
along with the human support
that you need.
You need to talk with someone
about your feelings
and what you are experiencing,
even if it's someone you don't know,
someone on a hotline,
or free e-mail counseling
but it might be worth it to pay
for a session now and then.
And most insurance plans will
give you a few paid sessions
with a live counselor or therapist.
Therapy - talking, re-thinking therapy.
I know, that didn't work for me either,
but it really does work for some.
A change of brain chemistry can occur
just from talking, crying, releasing, re-thinking.
Remember, you are not alone...
Here, someone does believe in you and how you
This is your life and your illness
And it is your very own duty to save the life
you were given and make it meaningful.
Don't let that sound cold because it is not.
You are not alone...
There is no greater love than the love for life
hidden inside of us.
Until we change our brain chemistry,
see it, feel it, or feel grateful for it.
There were bells on a hill
But you never
heard them ringing
No, you never
heard them at all
Till there was you
There were birds in the sky
But you never
saw them winging
No, you never
saw them at all
Till there was you
Till There Was You*