Solemn Poetry: Excerpts From Depression And Thoughts Of Suicide; From Crisis To Cured at Suicidal.com

at Suicidal.com
	Poetry Excerpts From . Depression And Thoughts Of Suicide; From Crisis To Cured A Book in Progress... by Melody Clark
"Quasi-Poetic" descriptions of some of my earlier, milder suicidal moments in depression. I wondered, What's wrong with me ? What's going to happen to me ? How can I go on ? Without acceptable treatment, I later became much worse...

1 At work
With other people
At times
On the outside

I look fine
I seem fine
I feel pretty good
I have a positive attitude...

But inside, alone, I carry dark & heavy thoughts --
fleeting thoughts of suicide.
The words cannot convey,
the feelings, the pain

Somehow I ignore them --
for a while, perhaps --
a long while, all day, or many days --
figure it will go away -- ignore
It's automatically not even recognized mentally.

I go back
forcing myself
forcing day to day, week to week,
contact with people and life
My sorrow is hidden,
My anguish contained.

I push forward;
I feel like dying.
I tell no one.
No one knows how I feel..

2

By this time I knew I was depressed. I would sit in my office wondering what I was going to do and what was going to happen to me...

.....I could turn my head and see an object on a desk -- It would make me think of something else, and it in turn something else, ballooning into thoughts of global proportion.....

.....thoughts connecting from a stapler on a desk into a worldwide problem of universal doom.

In my mind's eye
I see

the world as hopeless
the problems overwhelming
change is insurmountable
the whole of life as futile

Hopelessness to Infinity

.....My mind and heart are squeezed for their juices - vacillating between thought and feeling, and feeling and thought - Thoughts rebounding off feelings of sorrow.....

My mind searching for answers
My heart is still
The realization is solemn and deep:

My life is over
My death must occur
There is no hope
My heart is torn apart
My tears overflowing

How can I live ?
How can I die ?
How can I leave ?

Will I know that I've hurt them ?
Will I know how they feel ?
I feel sorrow for them
I feel sorrow for me.....

Those whom I love
.....Those who love me.

Riding in the car with my (beloved) husband
Can't enjoy life

Beautiful spring/summer day
Wonder and beauty all around

But the beauty brings you only pain and sorrow
You are hurt by the beauty
In it you see and feel the pain of life

The love you may not have in your life
Unhappiness
Family problems
Your work-money-trap no-way-out

All are magnified to monumental proportions
Endless sorrow surrounds you
Your inner eyes see only sorrow, sadness, pain
In your life, in your future, in the world

Your mind goes into the ohmm
(like the "oooommmm" in the movie, "Dead Poet's Society")
Like a focused daze or trance...
A resolve of what must be done
The only solution

Eyes feel like a lake of glass
locked into thoughts of suicide.

Solemn

Still

Alone

human life

full of sorrow

full of woe

but still we endure	we choose to live
we still find joy within the sorrow

must there be a meaning
must there be a reason to live ? .........

what if the sorrow	what if the pain
fills the life & voids all joy ?

what if to look and see	or just to be
supplies too much agony

what if no joy can suffice	or bring to light
reason to live or not to die ? .........

Oh if the transition from life to death

were only so easy

as to decide

that this

will be

your last breath

to walk on the beach letting go of life's hand

to lie down and disintegrate into the sand

My depression became far more severe than expressed in these poems.

The pain, and a life force that does not want to let us die this way, forced me to continue living, seek treatment, and persevere until I no longer wanted to die.

My life stay here on earth was for the first time, voluntary... and still is today.

Now, even through the normal rough times of life, I am glad to be living and feel grateful for my life.

I want this wonderful and profound freedom and relief for you too.

I believe that you can find the right treatment(s) to resurrect you from this living death, to restore and restart your life anew.

Please don't give up.

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