Poetry Excerpts From
Depression And Thoughts Of Suicide;
From Crisis To Cured
A Book in Progress...
by Melody Clark
of some of my earlier,
suicidal moments in depression.
I wondered, What's wrong with me ?
What's going to happen to me ?
How can I go on ?
Without acceptable treatment,
I later became much worse...
With other people
On the outside
I look fine
I seem fine
I feel pretty good
I have a positive attitude...
But inside, alone,
I carry dark & heavy thoughts --
fleeting thoughts of suicide.
The words cannot convey,
the feelings, the pain
Somehow I ignore
for a while, perhaps --
a long while, all day, or many days --
figure it will go away -- ignore
It's automatically not even recognized mentally.
I go back
forcing day to day, week to week,
contact with people and life
My sorrow is hidden,
My anguish contained.
I push forward;
I feel like dying.
I tell no one.
No one knows how I feel..
By this time I knew I was depressed. I would
sit in my office wondering what I was going to do and what was
going to happen to me...
.....I could turn my head and see an object
on a desk -- It would make me think of something else, and it
in turn something else, ballooning into thoughts of global proportion.....
.....thoughts connecting from a stapler on
a desk into a worldwide problem of universal doom.
In my mind's eye
the world as hopeless
the problems overwhelming
change is insurmountable
the whole of life as futile
Hopelessness to Infinity
.....My mind and heart are squeezed for their
juices - vacillating between thought and feeling, and feeling
and thought - Thoughts rebounding off feelings of sorrow.....
My mind searching for answers
My heart is still
The realization is solemn and deep:
My life is over
My death must occur
There is no hope
My heart is torn apart
My tears overflowing
How can I live ?
How can I die ?
How can I leave ?
Will I know that I've hurt them ?
Will I know how they feel ?
I feel sorrow for them
I feel sorrow for me.....
Those whom I love
.....Those who love me.
Riding in the car with my (beloved) husband
Can't enjoy life
Beautiful spring/summer day
Wonder and beauty all around
But the beauty brings you only pain and sorrow
The love you may not have in your
You are hurt by the beauty
In it you see and feel the pain of life
Your work-money-trap no-way-out
All are magnified to monumental proportions
Endless sorrow surrounds you
Your inner eyes see only sorrow, sadness, pain
In your life, in your future, in the world
Your mind goes into the ohmm
in the movie, "Dead Poet's Society")
Like a focused daze or trance...
A resolve of what must be done
The only solution
Eyes feel like a lake of glass
into thoughts of suicide.
full of sorrow
full of woe
|but still we endure
we choose to live
|we still find joy within the
|must there be a meaning
must there be a reason to live ? .........
|what if the sorrow
what if the pain
|fills the life & voids all joy ?
|what if to look and see
or just to be
|supplies too much agony
|what if no joy can suffice
or bring to light
|reason to live or not to die
Oh if the transition from life to death
|were only so easy
as to decide
to walk on the beach letting go of life's
to lie down and disintegrate into
My depression became far more severe than
expressed in these poems.
The pain, and a life force
that does not want to let us die this way, forced me to continue
treatment, and persevere
until I no longer wanted to die.
My life stay here on earth was for the first
time, voluntary... and still is today.
Now, even through the normal
rough times of life, I am glad to be living and feel grateful
for my life.
I want this wonderful and profound freedom
and relief for you too.
I believe that you can find
the right treatment(s) to resurrect you from this living death,
to restore and restart your life anew.
Please don't give up.
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Poems: Copyright© 1990 by Melody Clark,
Meadow Lark Press, Riverside, California, USA
Copyright© 1997-2009 by Melody
Clark, Meadow Lark Press