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Suicidal and Depressed:

How I Felt...

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Most of the content of my web sites comes from my own life and experience with desperately suicidal depression.

Without treatment, it would not be possible for me to stay alive.

With treatment -- Each day it is amazing to me that I am not depressed, not suicidal.

If I stop my treatment, once again I can become severely, dangerously suicidal.


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My first suicide attempt was at age 10.

At age 14, I struggled against compulsions to throw myself in front of speeding cars as I walked to school.

At age 18, I attempted suicide 4 times and was hospitalized each time.

In my early 20's, I tried a few more times to end my young life.  I often wished I'd never been born.

Over the years I had tried everything for help: psychotherapy, antidepressants, mental hospitals, religion, meditation, hypnosis, vitamins, exercise, subliminal tapes, and acupuncture.

Then I was hit with the worst depression of my life.  I began to realize that my pain had virtually nothing to do with the circumstances of my life.  Yet, I was hanging on to life by a thread.  The suicidal thoughts were excruciating, lethal, overwhelming.

I knew there was nothing anyone could say that would change how I felt inside.  I was angry and tired of struggling to stay alive day after day.  The pain of living was unbearable.  I had made up my mind, in no uncertain terms, that if I could not find a real, life and death cure handed to me on a silver platter, I was going to kill myself.


More about "How I Felt"

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I had hundreds of suicidal thoughts a day...

But they weren't just thoughts, they were compulsions; waves of pain & emotion, urging me, compelling me, drawing me in.  They were dark, poisonous, deadly.

My days were full of desperation, crying and wringing of hands and unbelievable suicidal pain.  It seemed my own body had begun a self-destruct sequence to end my life.  And I was ready.

I purchased a book on ways to commit suicide.  I was resolved.  I had chosen a way, and unknown to my husband and family, I carried the supplies with me at all times, waiting and planning for the right time to leave this earth – this realm of suffering, pain and death...

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I had thought of a woman my husband should marry after I died.  She was a widow, and I thought she might be kind to him, would keep house better, and tolerate our dogs.

The doctor thought I might try a low-acid diet.  So my beloved husband cooked dinner for me almost every night.

But as we ate dinner each evening, I only thought of dying.  I saw myself in my coffin.  I spoke often of my funeral, my death, and his life after I was gone.

For a while, people you love keep you attached to the earth.  At this point, however, I was beyond all attachments.  The strings that held me down to earth had almost disappeared.


I felt that my loved ones would hardly notice I was gone.
They had each other, and they would be alright.

Right now, today, I don't believe that would have been true - for my husband, for my mother.

Just like in the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life" --
for the many things that have happened,

I don't think they would have been alright...
without their devoted wife, and daughter... me.



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Other examples throughout my sites of the many ways I have experienced suicidal depression.

Few Words Can Comfort the Suicidal Depression & Suicide (Poem on first page)
Why Do People Commit Suicide ? My Solemn Poetry (4 poems)
Rather Die Than Read A Book ? Suicide is Not Justified (Poem at the top)



Back to the

Site Index

A Cross Reference of the

Kind of Help and Specific Topics

Available at & | | SuicideCrisisCenter |

SuicidalTeens | DepressionFAQ | DepressionandSuicide |

Solemn Poetry | DepressionLinks |


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